I'm Somewhere Else Too

If you look over there on the right at the blogs I read, you will see one called Mid Century Modern Moms. I have been a fan of theirs for quite a while now. The site is written by several women, all of whom are moms to teenagers and young adults. They write about the frustrations, challenges, joys, and heartbreaks involved in raising these creatures known as teenagers. I can always find something to relate to when I visit there and it's nice to know there are other moms beside me pulling their hair out.

Recently, they had a post up that they were looking for new writers to contribute to the site. I sent off an email and was, to my great surprise, accepted and welcomed as a member of their team. With great luck, I will write something intelligent and not feel like I got in way over my head. I will be posting there every Friday and hope you will go take a look, if you feel so inclined. My first post was this last Friday and was called Time Flies.

Thanks for checking it out.

No One Died...It Just Feels Like It

For the last few days, I have been walking around muttering to myself repeatedly, "She's gone. I can't believe she's really gone. How did this day arrive? It's never, ever going to be the same."

I look around the house and can't believe the difference. It looks different. It feels different. It sounds different. It smells different.

I don't like different.

I know that she is within phoning distance and I could drive to see her anytime I want. I can text her, email her, check her Facebook to see what she's doing.

Over the last week, we sorted, threw away junk, packed, loaded, unpacked, set up, cleaned, shopped, made extremely lengthy to do lists, signed the lease, met the neighbors (which is a whole separate post), bought the textbooks - goodbye $800 -, got the student ID card, figured out the bus routes, got the internet set up, talked, laughed, argued, and finally crossed every damn thing off the list.

And one of us cried copious amounts of tears. It wasn't her.

I'm walking around like I've had the rug ripped right out from underneath me, even though I knew this day was fast approaching.

There's no need for me to wait to hear the door close and lock behind her when she gets home late at night. I don't have to wonder if she will be home for dinner or not.

Her room echoes because it's empty.

The dog can't sleep at night because someone's missing.

She went for orientation today and seems fine, if a bit nervous about her first day tomorrow.

She's not gone as in died, but it almost feels like it.

My baby has moved out and is moving forward, on her own.

How do I do the same?

On A Happier Note

Things have calmed down a bit around here since my head exploded. Or maybe everyone is just tiptoeing around me right now. Or maybe I myself have calmed down a little. Or maybe it is the calm before the storm. I don't know for sure. Any way you look at it, it's a good thing.

Gary could see that I was at my breaking point on Sunday so he said let's go to the city and hang out for the day. It was a great day, which is a remarkable thing for me to say as we spent a fair bit of time at the automotive parts store. Not my favorite thing to do, but he likes it. In return he took me to Chapters (my favorite book store and place I could spend hours and hours in) and waited in the car - perusing his new calendar from the above auto parts store while I took my time and browsed. We stopped and got a coffee and had lots of time just to chat. It seems like lately we don't have a great deal of time together, just the two of us, and when we do we are discussing the latest crisis. Having a chance to talk, uninterrupted, and reconnect and remember why we like each other in the first place is exactly what I needed.

We were discussing the fact that soon Kid 2 will be gone and it will just be the two of us. I can tell that he is looking forward to it, as am I. We talked about projects we can do on the house, getting away for the weekends, making plans for what we want our future to look like, repainting her bedroom and setting it up as an office for me, what he wants to do in the basement when all her stuff is out of there, etc. It reminded me that I have been parenting for a very long time and that that hands on phase is coming to an end. It's a whole new season of life and just talking about it made me feel better about it and actually look forward to some of the good things that are going to be coming up for us.

Yesterday, I took a day off work and just had a mental health day. I had the house to myself and absolutely loved the peace and quiet. I read a book, read blogs, napped, and just had time to myself with no one wanting anything from me. It was heaven and I feel refreshed today and ready to tackle life once more. Sometimes, you just need a break, I think. So, to all of you who told me to take care of myself dammit, thank you. I did.

Kid 2 has 6 days left before she moves out. No packing has been done, despite my endless nagging, and vowing that I will not be helping her pack at the last minute the night before. I'm wondering if she is getting cold feet. It's a big step for her and with the whole boyfriend break up, she is feeling pretty anxious about life in general. I know she will be fine once she gets into the routine of school and makes some new friends and gets her apartment set up as she likes it.

Kid 1 is coming to help us get her moved next week. I am on holidays next week also which I am definitely looking forward to.

So, there are days when I lose my shit, and days when life looks pretty damn good.

On a happier note, today was a good day.

The Weekend My Head Exploded

Tensions and emotions are running very high around here lately. There has been lots going on and lots coming up in the next little while. Everyone is on edge; mainly me. Whether it's because the people in my life feel like I'm the one to talk to or because I am just me and let it all get to me until I am burdened way beyond what I am able to carry, the end result is that I am on fucking overload people!

In the last little while, it seems like absolutely every single person around me is in crisis mode, the ones that call me Mom included. As well as the ones that call me sister, daughter, co-worker, and significant other, and hey you, random person walking down the street.

I'm at my limit. No, actually I am waaaay beyond my limit. I'm working very hard on letting my kids be adults now and trying not to step in and attempt to fix all their problems. I'm trying to let my brother grow up and be a damn adult and deal with his issues. I'm trying to support my parents who are nearly at the end of their rope. We're 3 people short at work and I'm trying to step up and cover everyone else's workload as much as I can.

And I'm failing miserably at taking care of myself. I'm stressed out, exhausted, worn down, and weary. I feel like if one more thing hits me, I am going to crack. So, I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised that this weekend, my fucking head exploded and I lost my shit on anyone within a 5 mile radius.

My brother is an alcoholic. There, I said it and lightning did not strike me down, contrary to what others in my family may believe. He has lost 4 jobs within the last few years, most likely lost the opportunity to work in his chosen field ever again, gone through all of his retirement savings, does not have many friends left, and is currently homeless and living on my parents couch. You would think he might be grateful that someone took him in, but no, he is too busy being an asshole. I understand that it is a disease, I really do get that, and that he is a very sick man right now. Saying that you need help and you realize you need to go to a treatment center is the thing we have all been waiting for. 2 weeks later, lounging on the couch and watching sports 12 hours a day, having your Mom cook all your meals, living for free, biting off anyone's head who gets near you, and storing your beer in their fridge is a bit of a different story. My parents are not handling it well and their lives have been affected greatly. Not being able to relax and just be in your own home without fear of what will come out of his mouth next is not the way to live. My Dad has had enough and I think it will be dealt with in the next couple of days, but how do you kick out your own son when he has nowhere to go? They are struggling and I feel badly for them.

My daughter who is heading off to university is having the same boyfriend issues as usual, again , for about the fourth time. I would like to think I have been understanding and sympathetic, but I will admit my patience is lessening. Or I'm being mean about it as she says. Sigh. Watching him pull the same shit on her over and over is frustrating. Watching her take him back time and time again - because he's really changed this time, Mom - is quite frankly, pissing me off. Have I really raised a daughter who is so lacking in self esteem that she will take endless and repeated crappy treatment because it is better than having no guy at all? Seriously?She is supposed to be packing and getting ready to move into her apartment and start university in about a week and a half. No packing has occurred. Much wailing and crying and sobbing about how she can't live without him and how can he do this to her occurs on a regular basis. He is heading off to college about 800 miles away in about a week or so and I am considering having a parade to send him right the hell out of town. I understand it hurts, I know it sucks, I get that he is a jerk even if she doesn't. But he has done this to her repeatedly. I know you're a smart girl and you see it and that you can't get your heart to agree with your mind. There comes a time when you have to accept it and move on and realize you deserve so much better. Please Lord, let it be soon.

My son is making irresponsible and honestly, dumb choices. He reads this blog and I've said it to him many times before so this will not come as a surprise to him. He is 21 years old and it is time to be smarter, more mature, responsible, and to once and for all, get your shit in order.

Gary is randomly moody and pissy and for some reason I feel like I need to be responsible for that. I'm thinking I need to rethink that too.

These things don't affect the people around me the same way they do me. I take it all to heart and carry it around as though they were my very own personal burdens. It drains me. It exhausts me. It makes me grumpy and miserable and not pleasant to be around. I know that's about me and what I feel responsible for and is something I have to change in order to attain any type of happiness that lasts for more than a couple hours. I can not save the world, I know that. But it feels like abandoning them and like I don't care when I don't give hours of my time listening to their stories and problems though. I feel guilty. I feel like a bad mother. It feels like they are all looking to me to have the answers.

I don't have them, people.

And if I did, I lost them all this weekend when my head exploded.

Beautiful Boy

Dear Brody,


Happy 21st birthday to you!


I suppose you are probably think you are too old now for me to call you my beautiful boy, but
that's what you always will be to me. I was going to write you the usual letter; telling you how much I love you and adore you, how I miss you all the time and wish you weren't so far away, that you make me so proud, that no one makes me laugh like you do, and what a joy it has been to be your Mom and watch you grow into such an amazing young man. I was going to do that but in light of some of our recent conversations I thought instead I would tell you some things that I wish you knew.


These are things that, as your Mom, I know to to be true about you without a doubt in my mind. Knowing you, you may not believe me or tell me I'm wrong, but I wouldn't agree. I think that I know you pretty well and I've watched you very carefully for 21 years now. You are a part of my heart and sometimes Moms just know things. We're smart like that.


So, here's what I wish you knew:


1. Your sister is not smarter than you. In regards to school, yes she got great marks because that was important to her. We both know you could have done the same but it wasn't something that you really cared about. I'm completely okay with that. You graduated and received your diploma exactly as she has and I couldn't be prouder of both of your accomplishments.

2. You can let go of the anger you hold inside. Some days I look at you or listen to you and I see and hear the exact same confused little boy that at 6 years old was devastated that his father had walked out the door and out of his life. That little boy took on the responsibilities of looking out for his little sister and worrying about his Mom; something he should have not had to do. You learned a lesson that has never left you - that the world is not fair and your place in it is not always secure. I wish you knew that it is okay to let all of that anger go now; put it behind you and look at the world as a place that is also full of good people and good things, opportunities and adventures.

3. You are perfect just as you are. When you were younger and we moved to Manitoba, it was extremely hard for you to find your place and fit in. Making friends was difficult and was not helped by teachers that labelled you. You struggled and acted out and were so unhappy. Now, you have finally come to a place in your life where you have made many friends and have an active social life. It makes me so happy to see you out and about doing things and being busy. It took a while for you to find your niche and see where you belonged but you have done it. I wish you knew that you were perfect all along; it was the situation that sucked.

4. Broken hearts do heal. We have had many conversations; some of which you definitely did not want to have with me at the time, and you know that I understand what losing your first serious "I'm in love" relationship did to you. I know how your heart hurt and ached, how badly you wanted it all to work out perfectly, how it tore you up inside, how devastated you were to learn that it was not to be your "happy ever after." Every person that comes into our lives leaves an imprint on us and hers will never leave you. There are many lessons to be learned from your time with her and I know you have discovered many of them already. Look back on it with fondness as there is nothing like your first love. I wish you knew how much happiness lies ahead of you and that one day she will seem like such a tiny part of your entire life.

5. Let the barriers down. You have always had extremely high walls around yourself. I think it stems from a lot of hurt that hit you at a very young age. You decided to keep most people out as it was safer that way and you tend to want to "get" people before they have the opportunity to "get" you. You've always been a bit of a loner, content on your own with a book or a movie or a video game. I can relate to that so well, as it took a long time for my own walls to come down. When you decide to give the world a second chance, you will be amazed at what can happen. Not everyone is out to hurt you or screw you over. I wish you knew that it is okay to carefully trust a chosen few.

6. Love will come your way when it's the right time. I know that your heart's desire is to find that girl. The one who will love you exactly as you are, make your eyes sparkle and your heart dance, who will laugh at your jokes, understand what you are all about, and make your world complete. I know that you want it right now and that waiting to find her is excruciating for you. You look for her in every girl you meet, wondering if she is the one. You fall fast and you fall hard, and when you discover that no, she is not the one, you feel it like a train wreck. We've talked about this and about the girls you are choosing right now, and you know how I feel. What I wish you knew is that every day that you wait for her is worth it, because when she finally arives she is going to rock your world. Relationships are hard work and take a lot of compromise and patience and time and energy and attention. They don't come easy but when it's the right one, it is worth everything you will have had to go through to reach that point. I wish you knew how much time you have and that it doesn't have to be today. I wish you knew to enjoy your time and your freedom right now. I wish you knew that she will turn up when you least expect it.

7. You are so loveable. We've had some tough times, haven't we? You acting out and me pulling my hair out not knowing what to do with you. Wanting to save you from yourself time and time again and having to stand back and just let life happen to you. I don't always agree with your choices - you definitely know that. But I have loved you with every ounce of my being during each and every rough time, bad decision, or foolish choice. I hear you say that you act like an asshole and you are not a good person and it breaks my heart. I know that is your tough guy, fuck the world persona and not the real you. The real you has a heart of gold, cares deeply, is kind, knows right from wrong, works hard, and loves to make people laugh. Spending time with you is when I am the happiest. The sense of humour that we share and how you can make me laugh like no other. Your quick wit and no bullshit approach to pretty much everything. How you care so much for your sister and would do anything for her. I know there is an amazing heart inside of you and that you are a truly good person. You are human - we all do things we wish we hadn't, said things we want to take back, hurt people we never meant to. I wish you knew how awesome you are.

Other random things I wish you knew?

That I admire what a hard working dedicated employee you are.
That you won't work there forever and there are other plans for your future.
That I miss you every day and have regrets about not being closer to you.
That your Dad loves you.
That your grandparents ask about you every time I talk to them.
That you have done an amazing job surviving and thriving in your living situation.
That one day you will understand why I bug you about money all the time.
That you are in my heart every day.
That I believe you are going to go forward and do something great with your life.
That I adore how you say you love me every time you talk to me.


No matter what age you are, you are my beautiful boy.

Happy birthday to you.

Love, Mom

On Being Human

I've sat down to write here numerous times over the last month and each time ended up staring hopelessly at the blank screen. I'm living a life; there must be something to say, right? And in fact there are hundreds of things I want to get out of my head and heart, happy and funny experiences I could share, things that piss me off on a particular day, stories about my job and the people I deal with there on a daily basis, even a pic or two of the damn dogs if I'm that desperate.

And yet I can't get it out. I can't come up with the words to make anything appear here in this little box with the flashing cursor that feels like it is mocking me. I know there is a reason for this because I know myself very well. It doesn't surprise me anymore. When there are so many things going on, as there have been, I withdraw. Like a turtle pulling its' head back into its' shell to avoid the unpleasantness of the outside world, I retreat. All my thoughts and feelings and emotions seem like too much to share; to just put out there. I need to have the time to process what is going on in my world. I need to sit with things until I figure them out. I want to consider all of the angles and the options.

I'm not sure why this is; why I feel this need to censor myself. Perhaps it is because I was raised to be the good girl, pleasing everyone else and looking and acting pleasant at all times, putting everyone else's needs before my own. Maybe it is because of all the times I have not been the good girl, but the ugly, unpleasant, selfish, angry girl and how that made me feel. The times when I have let the thoughts that are bottled up inside of me run rampant and they have wrecked me completely. Sometimes I think it's easier to be what everyone else expects me to be than to be who I truly am. Often, when I am spewing venom and just letting it all out, I feel great. I feel powerful and free. No one is going to walk on me or tell me what I can and can not do. Other times, I look back and wonder why I just didn't keep my mouth shut. It would have been easier and created a hell of a lot less mess to clean up.

However, this is my blog right? I have to have one place where I can vent the things in my head without fear of repercussions. It's too damn hard to keep everything inside. If I tell you that Gary and I have been through a really rough patch lately and I spent a lot of time thinking that I would be just fine on my own and I really don't need this shit in my life at all, thank you very much, that doesn't change who I am as a person. If I tell you that we have worked it out and that I now believe I love this man more than ever before and have learned that sometimes you just have to get a really good grip and hold on for dear life and that maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to believe in that place deep down in my heart that we actually are going to make it and I can let go of the fears that haunt me from the past and affect my todays, someone might congratulate me. Were I to mention the millions of thoughts I am having about my baby moving out of the house that doesn't mean anything more than the fact that I am a normal mother coming to a new milestone in life. If I was to tell you that I have finally - finally - mustered up the nerve to register for classes at university this fall, which has been my dream since I found myself married with babies and wondering how the hell I managed to end up in that situation, and that I am so excited that it is finally my chance to have a turn at something just for me, wouldn't you cheer me on?

I'm learning that every part of me may be unique, but that overall I am pretty much just like everyone else in this world. There are parts of me that I like and think make me a generally good person. There are the other parts that definitely I wouldn't rush to tell you about if I was meeting you for the first time. They are all parts of me though, and I am learning to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly. And that it's perfectly okay to express any one of those parts on any given day. Like me or loathe me, it pretty much doesn't matter because when I get up the next morning I am still going to be me.

It's been a long, long, long road that I've travelled. I spent the majority of the journey thus far beating myself up and wishing to be someone different. Not much time at all has been spent on appreciating who and what I am, and on how I managed to get to this exact spot in life, basically without killing myself or anyone else. Today I realize that there is much to celebrate. So much learning has been done. So much growth. So many times when I've managed to grit my teeth and just get the hell through whatever has been laid down on my path. So much triumph over really fucking awful situations.

I've learned that what it's really all about is simply all about just being me, no matter what.

Being all parts of me - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Being human.

There Are No Words

There truly are no words to describe how I feel about this girl.

When I think that I actually had something to do with her being here on the planet, I am amazed. Watching her grow and turn into the incredible young woman she has become has been the ride of a lifetime. One I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Thinking of what she has overcome in her 18 short years is astounding; imagining what she can do in the future is mind boggling.

She fills my heart with joy; my days with laughter; and my life with meaning.

She's graduated now and will be moving on to tackle her future soon, but hopefully a little piece of her heart will remain at home with Mom.

She is my heart and I couldn't be prouder.

Getting the diploma - honours with distinction!

Ready for the big party.

With her best friend.

With her brother - the other one who makes me proud.

With the date. Handsome, yes?

Having fun.

Showing off the dress.

It's a great day!

With Clark, who passed away the next day.

Gorgeous.

I love you, T., and I'm so proud to be your Mom.
xo xo